All About A

My name is “A”.  

Well, it isn’t really, but I hate my name. It's too archaic for my liking, makes me sound much frumpier than I really am.  I'm in my mid-30's(ish), with the life experience of a 20 year old and the emotional experience of an 80 year old. Most people are surprised when I tell them my age. They seem to think I'm a lot younger. I was blessed with good genes.

I live in the sometimes sunny but mostly murky suburbs of England, in the county of Hertfordshire. It's about an hour away from London. And yes, I live in a castle and eat nothing but fish 'n' chips (just in case there are any Americans reading this).

I'm in a very loving relationship with my Boyf of 4 years. He is lovely to me, gives me lots of loving and makes lovely cups of tea (and I'm aware I've used the "L" word far too much in answer to this question, and I don't care.)

One of the reasons I decided to give this blog thing a go is because I am suffering terribly from insomnia at the moment. It doesn't matter how tired I am or how early I get up, I just can't sleep very well. So I'm hoping my new found hobby will keep me entertained while the rest of the world slumber in their cozy beds. Lucky sods.

And now for the tricky part.

I haven't worked in quite a while because of illness. Basically (and some what dramatically), I have a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's more commonly known as Bi-Polar or Manic Depression. I won't go into it too much now, as I suspect that that's a topic for a later date, but the basic facts are my mood is too unstable for me to commit myself to a job. For quite a while I was agoraphobic which really made my life a joy to behold (sarcasm, in case you hadn't noticed) and although I'm a lot better than I used to be, the tenancies still rear their ugly heads from time to time. It's the unpredictability that's the problem. One day, everything could be sunshine and roses. The next, I won't get out of bed. I know there are plenty of people with B.P. who are able to get up, go to work, have normal lives, but I'm not lucky enough to be one of them. Whether it's because I haven't had the right treatment and/or medication as the mental health service round here is beyond a joke, or whether the thought of getting a job and letting people down because of my unpredictable moods gives me a freezing cold feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach, who knows. It's not because I don't want to work. But if there are days when I'm too terrified to pop to the shop for a pint of milk and I don't even know what it is I'm afraid of, what chance do I have of holding down a regular 9 to 5?

And now I'm going to change the subject as this is getting far too deep and meaningful for my liking.

I love acting and singing. This may sound strange, given what I've just told you, but when I'm in front of an audience, they're never looking at the real me. They're looking at the persona I choose for them to see. I could never go out on stage and just be myself; that would be too terrifying. But give me a script or a song to learn, and I love it.

I also read a lot, probably too much if that's possible.  I don't have a particular favourite genre, but I tend to stay away from modern chick-lit on the whole. They're all too much of the same in my opinion. My favourite books of all time are "The Breeders Box" by Timothy Murphy (I've yet to meet anyone else who's even heard of this, let alone read it), and "The Time Traveler's Wife" by Audrey Niffenegger. I love it so much, I can't bring myself to watch the film. I know it won't be as good. It's the same as Harry Potter; like the books, can't watch the films.

(And don't even get me started on "Twilight". I have no interest in reading about some angst ridden emo girl and her choice between necrophilia and bestiality, thank you very much.)

Other than that, I love gaming.  Yes, I'm female, and yes, I play computer games. I'm not talking about silly little games like "Farmville" (ick) or M.M.O.R.P.G's life suckers like "World of Warcraft" (never understood the appeal). I'm more of a F.P.S/R.P.G. kinda girl. Favourites include "Fallout 3", "Borderlands", "Vampire Masquerade; Bloodlines", "Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion", "Bioshock", "Overlord 2", the list goes on and on. I think female gamers must be few and far between, as I've yet to meet any hardcore female P.C. game players. The closest I came was a female friend of mine telling me she was up until three in the morning playing "Cafe World". Sigh.

As far as the future is concerned, I take each day as it comes. If you don't hope too much, you can't be disappointed. (God, that didn't sound so depressing in my head.) I wouldn't say I was a pessimist, more of a realist. One day I'd like to have what's known as a "normal" life, as in the job, house, husband, kids, dog, etc, but we'll see.

Finally, I should explain title.  It's a quote:
"I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true." - Winnie the Pooh.
That little bear says some quite deep stuff at times.

And there you have it. That's me in a nutshell. I don't know if anyone will read this blog or if it'll just end up floating in cyberspace without a single view. I think I'd be happy if just one person read it and said, "Hi". But so far I'm enjoying doing it, so at least I'm entertaining myself. And if you did read this, please visit again. It's always nice to have visitors.

(And if you didn't read this, who am I talking to right now?)


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