Friday, 21 January 2011

Paranoid Pants on Fire

"Paranoia will get you through times of no enemies better than enemies will get you through times of no paranoia"
 ~ Pete Granger

"The truly paranoid are clever enough to not act paranoid." 

~ Star Trek



I guess everybody has bouts of paranoia sometimes in their lives.  Unfortunately, I've been able to turn this idiosyncrasy into an art form.  Not a day goes by when I don't have a paranoid moment about something or other...
  • I'm paranoid about losing my keys and my purse...
(I thought someone had picked my pocket last year and it freaked me out.)
  • I'm paranoid about people not liking me...
(If people are quieter than usual, in a bad mood or just generally not themselves, I instantly think it's my fault.)
  • I'm paranoid about going out alone after dark...
(Not entirely unusual in a female, but it does stunt my social life somewhat in the winter months.)
  • I'm paranoid when I have nothing to worry about...
(In my mind, if I have nothing to worry about then something bad is about to happen.)

But they all pale in comparison to the biggest one...

I am paranoid about lying.


This isn't what you may think.  I'm not so much paranoid about being lied to.  No, my paranoia is about people thinking that I'm lying.

Here's an example...

If you've read my blog in the past, you will know that I've been preparing to do a pantomime, but a few weeks ago I was struck down with bronchitis.  Well, it's opening night tonight and instead of being on stage, I am at home blogging to you.  Yep, I had to drop out of the production.  Thankfully someone was able to take on my role and so the show will go on, but a lot of people are pissed off about the situation, and a few are pissed off with me personally.  And this is where the paranoia kicks in.  I've got it in to my head that so many people don't believe I'm on the poorly side that I've kept all the packets to all the medications that were prescribed to me so I can show them as proof.  How ridiculous is that??  These people are my friends, I've been acting with them over half of my life and nothing like this has ever happened with me before.  In my heart I know they believe me.  I just wish my head would listen.

Sounds strange, doesn't it?  Well, you want to try living through it.  Whenever something noteworthy happens to me, be it good or bad, and I tell someone about it, I always manage to convince myself that they don't believe me, that they think I'm just attention seeking.


And that's where it all stems from, I think.  I've been called an "Attention Seeker" so many times that I constantly feel the need to justify my actions or my words, to do everything I can to convince people that I am telling the truth.  There was a time when certain people in my life thought that when I got upset and cried, or when events in my life got out of control and I reacted to them, that I was just doing it for effect, so people would give me attention.  Thankfully, a majority of these people are no longer in my life, but their words still sting.

It also doesn't help that I have been lied to so many times in the past ("Of course I'm not cheating on you", "I love you", "The cheque is in the post", etc, etc...)  Back then I fell for them hook, line and stinker sinker.  Sometimes I'm astounded by my own naivety, but thankfully I've developed a pretty good inner B.S. detector.

Maybe it's a bipolar thing, maybe it's just the way I am.  It's not a quality I'm proud of and sometimes it just drives me up the wall.  All I can do is console myself with the fact it could be a lot worse.  I could be one of those women that is so paranoid that her man will cheat on her that she won't allow him out of her sight and they both end up miserable  Or I could be walking around with aluminum foil on my head so the aliens can't read my thoughts.  As long as this quirk of mine effects me and only me, I can't help but feel that I'm getting off lightly.

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PAMO said... [Reply to comment]

I'm getting ready to turn in for the night- so I'm making this shorter than I could.
I HEAR YOU!!! I really, really do. I experience similar feelings and I think it has roots in low self esteem (for me).
Your co-actors are disappointed- but they know you are sick. You don't have anything to prove to them, it's OK to take care of yourself. In fact- it's the MATURE and HEALTHY thing to do.
So there! (And I know you know this- but it's good to hear it confirmed, is it not?!)

A said... [Reply to comment]

And that is why you're my hero, Pamo. Thank you x

Maundering mutterer said... [Reply to comment]

When I was a kid, I used to love playing in 'children's Theater' productions.

I always landed good roles, but one year, all I got was a fairly good bit part. I SO wanted to do it. I loved the theater, but my mum used it as an excuse not to drive me to rehearsal.

I had to quit. I felt miserable and I never auditioned for another part because I was sure I'd got the reputation of a 'prima donna' throwing my toy s out the cot becanse I didn't get a major role.

I feel for you, but it's probably not as bad as you think!

A said... [Reply to comment]

I know you're probably right, MM, but once the paranoia gremlin gets its claws into you, it doesn't let go easily.

Nicole said... [Reply to comment]

Oh I can relate to some of that paranoia.

1/2 of my problems in life - probably!
I am visiting from LBS. I really like your blog and have decided to follow you! (And I am picky about that!)

You can visit me (when you have time) at http://nicoleabdou-destinationunknown.blogspot.com

bipolarteenager said... [Reply to comment]

Heya,

I've always been called an attention seeker as well so its made me really paranoid about people thinking I'm lying or exagurrating. Sometimes it actually does make me think that I am lying! For me it was such a relief to get diagnosed, like a certificate I can refer to, to prove that its true!

Paranoia is soooo horrible. I don't get it quite as bad as you but I feel for you!

Hope you get some sleep soon, always helps!

x

Diva said... [Reply to comment]

I love this post, I can so relate!

Daydreaming Fool said... [Reply to comment]

Paranoia is such a funny thing - plays with the mind so very much! I definitely have quite a few moments in my life where it creeps in before I even know it..'paranoia strikes deep..into your heart it will creep' - oh what a good song - RANDOM - but a good one!

I hope you're able to get past some of these things - you seem like an absolutely lovely person and I can't imagine someone not liking you over an issue such as the ones you talked about in this post!

A said... [Reply to comment]

Such a lovely thing to say. Thank you x

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