Paranoid Pants on Fire

"Paranoia will get you through times of no enemies better than enemies will get you through times of no paranoia"
 ~ Pete Granger

"The truly paranoid are clever enough to not act paranoid." 
~ Star Trek



I guess everybody has bouts of paranoia sometimes in their lives.  Unfortunately, I've been able to turn this idiosyncrasy into an art form.  Not a day goes by when I don't have a paranoid moment about something or other...

• I'm paranoid about losing my keys and my purse...

(I thought someone had picked my pocket last year and it freaked me out.)

• I'm paranoid about people not liking me...

(If people are quieter than usual, in a bad mood or just generally not themselves, I instantly think it's my fault.)

• I'm paranoid about going out alone after dark...

(Not entirely unusual in a female, but it does stunt my social life somewhat in the winter months.)

• I'm paranoid when I have nothing to worry about...

(In my mind, if I have nothing to worry about then something bad is about to happen.)

But they all pale in comparison to the biggest one...

I am paranoid about lying.

This isn't what you may think.  I'm not so much paranoid about being lied to.  No, my paranoia is about people thinking that I'm lying.

Here's an example...

If you've read my blog in the past, you will know that I've been preparing to do a pantomime, but a few weeks ago I was struck down with bronchitis.  Well, it's opening night tonight and instead of being on stage, I am at home blogging to you.  Yep, I had to drop out of the production.  Thankfully someone was able to take on my role and so the show will go on, but a lot of people are pissed off about the situation, and a few are pissed off with me personally.  And this is where the paranoia kicks in.  I've got it in to my head that so many people don't believe I'm on the poorly side that I've kept all the packets to all the medications that were prescribed to me so I can show them as proof.  How ridiculous is that??  These people are my friends, I've been acting with them over half of my life and nothing like this has ever happened with me before.  In my heart I know they believe me.  I just wish my head would listen.

Sounds strange, doesn't it?  Well, you want to try living through it.  Whenever something noteworthy happens to me, be it good or bad, and I tell someone about it, I always manage to convince myself that they don't believe me, that they think I'm just attention seeking.

And that's where it all stems from, I think.  I've been called an "Attention Seeker" so many times that I constantly feel the need to justify my actions or my words, to do everything I can to convince people that I am telling the truth.  There was a time when certain people in my life thought that when I got upset and cried, or when events in my life got out of control and I reacted to them, that I was just doing it for effect, so people would give me attention.  Thankfully, a majority of these people are no longer in my life, but their words still sting.

It also doesn't help that I have been lied to so many times in the past ("Of course I'm not cheating on you", "I love you", "The cheque is in the post", etc, etc...)  Back then I fell for them hook, line and stinker sinker.  Sometimes I'm astounded by my own naivety, but thankfully I've developed a pretty good inner B.S. detector.

Maybe it's a bipolar thing, maybe it's just the way I am.  It's not a quality I'm proud of and sometimes it just drives me up the wall.  All I can do is console myself with the fact it could be a lot worse.  I could be one of those women that is so paranoid that her man will cheat on her that she won't allow him out of her sight and they both end up miserable  Or I could be walking around with aluminum foil on my head so the aliens can't read my thoughts.  As long as this quirk of mine effects me and only me, I can't help but feel that I'm getting off lightly.